In Her Write Mind

Cleansing Rain and Sleepy-time Revelations

So I'm back from Costa Rica. Seems like just yesterday that I left, doesn't it? It went by with lightening speed. When I went to Santa Fe last year it kind of went by slowly and I was feeling lonely at times, though very free and not really wanting the company of others. I guess you could say I wanted that loneliness. I needed it.

I wasn't lonely this time. In fact I could've probably stayed there for another week and felt fine. Sure I started missing my boys towards the end but a small part of me didn't want to leave. I kind of felt like I wasn't done there.

I don't know if it had to do with the photography aspect of it or what. Sure, I got some fantastic shots and I've very excited to get them posted. But I don't feel like I selected the right outings for photo ops. The one that was a TRUE photography tour happened to fall on the one day where it was a torrential downpour the entire day. I was hiking through the rain forest in a wall of rain...the irony was not lost on me. It was always sticky with the humidity resting somewhere around 88% the entire time I was there. On these hikes I was always sweaty and dirty and it was fantastic. I felt like I was on an episode of Lost. :) While the rain cleansed my body, it did not help my camera gear. Between the humidity and rain, my equipment was freaking the fuck out. I did not prepare well enough, that's for sure. I just did not anticipate rain like that. At the very least I should've had a lens hood. Shame on me. That fucked up a lot of my landscape shots which isn't a terrible loss because frankly landscapes aren't my thing but I think it would've helped with some of my animal shots, specifically the hummingbird ones.

I wasn't allowed to use flash in the frog area and since it's deep in the forest and we were deep in a storm...well the lighting sucked. The frogs are nocturnal so the fuckers were all sleeping and the guide did not wake them so I got 2 shots...and they happened to be ones that I snuck a flash (hand slap!). Two. I find out on a later excursion there were a shitload of frogs that the guide woke up for them. Frogs I didn't even know existed in there. That was a HUGE disappointment. I had been looking forward to the frogs since the moment I booked the trip.

Anyway, frogs aside, I had some personal revelations as well. One hit me when I was riding home late at night from a very long day spent at a volcano and hot springs (oh and a massage that nearly dislocated my joints). I had a fun, candid email conversation with someone from my past with whom I have limited and sporadic contact. It finally hit me why I am sometimes inclined to reach out to them. I never really understand the urges and why these thoughts to contact them out of the blue pop into my head. I've stopped ignoring them because frankly, I know they're coming to me for a reason. I know they're all a part of where that particular journey is taking me. 

In a way it's kind of frustrating because every time I think that part of my life is behind me, I'm shown it's really not. So I'm thinking my lesson is to stop thinking it is because it probably never will be, however it IS able to be different, better, and I readily embrace that.

So if this person is reading this, you'll know it's about you. If you're interested in what realization I came to, you know where to find me. 

"I enjoy these conversations. Keep em comin ;) ( when time or thought permit )"

Oochie coochie coo

So right now I'm sitting in Delta's Sky Lounge thingy, being all special with the special people who fly the friendly sky in comfort. I'll admit...I got to the airport early so I can take full advantage of this perk. Why hang out with the lowly masses when I can sit in the plus comfy seats in this very art deco-isly decorated place. Hey...if nothing else there are free beverages and odd little food stuffs.

I feel I already made a faux pas by daring to take my can of ginger ale without a class. I have an excuse, though. I was so SHOCKED that they actually had fucking ginger ale that I didn't know what I was doing. I'll call it a momentary lapse of insanity. I haven't had ginger ale in an actual establishment (meaning outside of my own home) in...well it never happens in MN. These fuckers don't ever have ginger ale. It's even difficult to find in the supermarkets. Forget getting it as a mixer in the bars. WTF.

Speaking of bars...I was going to have a cocktail or 9 before my flight and these fucking things start at $10. I don't want a captain and ginger that bad. Well maybe I do but I'm going to save my alcohol consumption when I don't have to sit in a pressurized tube with a bunch of annoying strangers for the next 7 hours.

So my first adventure was the fact that my fucking foot set off the x-ray machine again. Damn security check point that the helpful priority checkin lady sent me too didn't have the little puffer let-me-see-your-bits machine that I have no problem with. Instead I was the ucky recipient of quite the pat down. As in she totally felt my coochie coochie coo. Well not actually, but yes to the place where it meets up with my thigh. WTF. So I fucking look like a person to shove shit up my coochie. Well, at least bad stuff?  So ya that was done in the middle of everyone so people watched everything. The funny thing I only cared marginally. Actually I didn't really care at all. I was more concerned with getting to this comfy lounge. At least I did my hair and wore makeup so I'm not exactly horrid looking.

Did I mention the weather? I don't believe I have. I don't think I mentioned the fact that the entire drive here was in a fucking torrential downpour with high winds. If we fucking fly in this shit I'm going to WHIG out. The turbulence to NM was so bad I'm still very much scarred by it. And the sad part was that I actually took extra Xanax. I'm wondering if I should take some more this time around. I think I should but I don't want to land in a foreign country narced out of my mind. Ah boy.

Adios mis Amigas!

Wow...it's been a while chicos! I can assure you I've been busy and trying my best to stay out of trouble. Between writing and editing work, working at the restaurant, school and...well...life...I find that my days fly by and the weeks even faster.

Tomorrow morning I leave for Costa Rica. FUCK YA! I can't believe it's here already...it seems like only yesterday I woke up and was like, "I think I'm going to book a random trip to Central America today!" My bags are just about packed, I'm checked in and just chilling, enjoying my boys. I got my telephoto lens a while ago so I've got that my macro and my everyday lens as well as a nifty tripod-things and various other accouterments that I probably won't use but want to have just in case. I have a couple of days where I'll be exploring the city so I'm bringing a purse-like bag for that but for the nature excursions I'll be bringing my camera backpack. It's amazing the shit I can shove in there. I use that as my carry on because frankly, I don't trust airport employees with thousands of dollars in photography equipment.

This trip is different that my New Mexico trip. I was pretty lost before I went there. I needed answers in so many forms...which I got...and I came back feeling clear and energized. Now I feel energized and want a trip filled with excitement! Bon Voyage!

You look shitty with green eyes

Something really pissed me off yesterday and I have to vent. I already vented to a friend and J but I have to get it on paper so-to-speak. I'm not going to mince words...not that I ever do...but especially not this time around. 

I have pretty much an unheard amount of freedom for a married woman my age (32). I do not, nor do I ever plan on having kids. Between J and I we have an income that would probably put us in the upper middle class income level. We have some debt but have made huge strides in paying it down over the last 3 years and if we keep up the pace and don't open any more accounts then we will be debt-free within a year. Not including the never-going-away student loans, mortgage or car payment, of course. But that will be it. Even with this aggressive debt payoff, we have a fair amount of disposable income and are very blessed to be able to manage everything with just J's paycheck so any money I earn goes into my business account and I am free to do what I want with it...including buying my dream Pottery Barn living room set (with cash), and taking my annual solo-cations. Last year I went to NM and as I've written before, it was wonderful and exactly what I needed mentally. This year I'm spending a week in Costa Rica and can't. frickin. wait.

I choose May for these trips because I've just finished the school year and I need a getaway. This year I'm taking a summer class so it's going to be even more important for me to get away to renew. This is going to be a very heavy photography trip so I'm pretty much considering it a business trip since my dream is to be able to pull in a salary by selling my images on products such as canvases, note cards, framed prints, etc.

Now here comes the annoying part. With this physical and financial freedom comes the jealousy of family and friends who do not have it. I have this one family member in general who has become a SAHM after having her 2nd child this past Sept., all the while dealing with a 2 y/o. So she has her hands full. Her husband makes good money but they live in a very expensive area of the country and their mortgage is about double ours so their money doesn't go as far as ours. Her parents are well-off so I'm almost positive they get some help from them in some ways. The bottom line is that she doesn't have the freedom that I do and I pretty much think she's so jealous her teeth hurt.

Occasionally she'll email under the guise of photography-related stuff but there's always the fishing-for-information aspect of it. And being the nice-n-open person that I am I'm honest about what's going on in our lives. Recently I mentioned the upcoming trip to Costa Rica. Her response? "What does J think about you going off and leaving him behind all of the time?!" (punctuation hers.)

First of all, it's none of your business. Secondly, it's none of your fucking business. I brought this up with a friend who, in turn, responded with, "Valid question. I've wondered that myself." Now THAT REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know if it's because it piggy-backed on a question from a relative I've always wanted to slap upside the head or the "valid question" part or the part that in general, I think it's a nosy question. I answered the relative with something like, "he doesn't like to travel and spent 3 days at a conference in NOLA and didn't even want to explore. He's headed to Boston in a month for another 3 days and doesn't want to stay any longer their either. So there's 6 days that he's going to be away from me, traveling, and he's got no interest in checking out the sites. Since mine trip will be only 1 day longer, and I'm already signed up for 3 full-day photography-related excursions, we are considering this a business trip for me as well." Now it pisses me off that I gave her even that much of an explanation because frankly, she doesn't fucking deserve one. She never answered that email.

Here's the second part to this scenario: at some point between that email and a last week, she told my very-much-loved-but-totally-gossipy-grandmother about my trip. I would've LOVED to have been a fly on the wall for that conversation. You see, relative calls g-ma frequently. Probably a few times a week. I do not. I am not a SHAM...I mean SAHM...so I do not have a couple of hours a few times a week to spend on the phone. Yes, shame on me. I could very well call her a couple times a month and I really should. In my own defense however, I DO write her lengthy letters because I'm in front of the computer all day every day so I can easily type faster and I can control the length of the conversation. I type the letters because she's 85 and has bad eyes so I can type in a large font (typicall 14 pt) and my handwriting is atrocious.

So yesterday I'm on the phone with my mother, who is smack dab in the middle of tax season which essentially means I rarely talk to her from Jan until May. I haven't had a conversation long enough to tell her about Costa Rica and it's not that big of a deal to me and I didn't just want to shoot her a "by the way" email because like I said, it's not a huge topic of conversation with me. Yesterday was a rare day where I could have at least most of her attention so I told her. Her answer was, "YES I KNOW. I HEARD IT FROM EVERYONE BUT YOU." I was like WTF!? I fully expected my sister to say something and frankly, I kind of expected my mother to bring it up with me at some point. But she never had so I was like whatever. But this answer rubbed me the wrong way, too! (I'm totally being rubbed raw lately apparently). I immediately got all pissy and was like, "From who?! Grandma?! You want to know where she got that tidbit of info from?! RELATIVE. RELATIVE emails ME occasionally  looking for photography help because now that she's a mother, she's thinking she's the next fucking Anne Geddes and I'm polite enough to respond and help her."

"Well I don't like hearing it from everyone but you and I don't like you going because it's an extremely dangerous place."

<laughter from me>. No it's not. In fact, they are ranked #1 in the WORLD on the happiness index because they are just one. big. fucking. happy. nationality. of. people!"

"No they're not. I heard it from somewhere."

"Where?"

"I don't remember."

"Well whatever Nancy Grace or Jean Valesquez said about it is untrue." (referring to her HLN obsession)

The conversation went on for a couple more minutes about the safey of CR when finally she pretty much gave in and was like, "okay. can I come?" I said, "Sure...all you have to pay is your airfare since everything else is paid for. I'm spending 3 days on photo excursions in the jungle and you're welcome to join me."

And that was the end of that conversation.

So I guess the moral of this entire post is that JEALOUS PEOPLE FUCKING PISS ME OFF. You made your own fucking decisions in life. You decided to take the job that Daddy's connections afforded you right out of college. A job that you ended up hating so much that your only out was popping out a couple of sperm germs one right after another so you're to a point financially where it'd actually not make sense for you to go back to work due to the insane cost of childcare. YOU made that decision, not me. YOUR decisions made your life into one filled with diapers, whining children, play dates, music lessons, swim lessons, gymnastics lessons (yes she has a 2 y/o in all those activities but that's another post altogether.) YOU are the one who decided to tether yourself to your sedentary life for at least the next 18 years by having children. My decisions are mine and frankly, they're fucking awesome and free and make me extremely happy. So butt the fuck out.  I have PLENTY of opinions on her and her life, but I keep them to myself...maybe I should stop doing that when I start calling g-ma more often. I wonder how that will go over?

Ay any rate, I wrote g-ma a long letter last week and in it mentioned my upcoming trip. I'm thinking about following that up with some "Thinking of you" flowers...just to give relative something to hear about when she calls next time...

Toucan Sam

I've booked my 2nd annual solo-cation. Actually it may be a semi-annual solo-cation based on my current opinion of Minnesota, i.e. I fucking hate everything about this place and can't stand to be here.

This year I'm going to Costa Rica. It's not the "I need to have daily spa treatments to relax"  trip that New Mexico was last year but a "get me the fuck in the jungle with my very expensive camera equipment!" trip. I have full-day excursions planned...3 so far...for my 7 night stay. One day I'll be spending in the cloud forests and the jungle canopy, the next I'll be flitting through butterfly and hummingbird gardens (how poetic!) and another I'll be doing something or other at some hot springs and on a volcano. I'm staying in downtown, historic San Jose so I'll have some time to haggle with street vendors about some crappy sombrero I'll drunkenly want to buy. Nah...I'll be going by myself so the idea of getting even remotely intoxicated alone, in a foreign country, is not the brightest thing. Even I'm not that stupid. There IS one exception, however. And that's on the plane. Because I'm flying FIRST CLASS muthafuckas! Yes...you read that right. That was my treat to myself. Well...outside of spending all the money to take the actual vacation, that is. And did you know the lucky sons-of-bitches in first class get free booze? GET. IN. MY. BELLY.

I'm going the first week of May...I leave 2 days after classes end. So it'll be a nice break. Not that my class is hard or stressful. It's just another excuse I'm using because this is totally hedonistic behavior and I'm way beyond comfortable with this fact.

So in addition to getting back onto the Insanity program to make the cellulite magically dissolve from my ass, thighs, stomach, arms, etc. before May, I'm also purchasing the telephoto lens that I've had my eye on for a very long time. It's an investment, right? At the very least it's a tax write-off because I'm planning on getting some pics that people are going to be begging to buy bitches! C'mon...who doesn't want a poster-sized pic of a Toucan hanging above their bed? I thought so.

Potholes and pissiness

I am supremely unhappy. Not just at the moment (though I am) but in general. I don't know if I'm hormonal or if it's a build up of everything and it's all kind of hit me at once.

I absolutely hate living in MN. I couldn't wait to get away from the shithole called Syracuse and it was a refreshing change at first but I hate the people here. I have made very few friends in the over 2.5 years we've been here--just my neighbor across the street and the gay couple with whom I now have a rocky relationship with because I'm constantly bashing MN people. I got the job at the restaurant to get out and meet people and, as I've written about before, my coworkers barely talk to me, and probably constantly talk ABOUT me. The last few shifts I've kind of just let go and was myself in all of my sometimes socially awkward, goofy self. I really don't give a shit anymore. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

I've found that I have an even shorter fuse with J when it comes to stupid shit and I wonder if a lot of it has to do with the fact that he brought me here and it's a large source of my unhappiness at the moment. I've found that I hate the house more and more. I've kind of given up on having a life here and am counting the days until I can make my escape. I actually told J I'm out of here in 2.5-3 years, with or without him. And I mean it. I know it seems like a long time because obviously I'm not keen on the idea of abandoning my husband so I at least want to give him a shot at getting his professional ducks in a row. That's the time frame in which he'll find out if he'll be tenured. But I swear on my life...it will not be a minute longer and I will go where I want to go for the first time in a very long time. I've lived where his life and career has dictated for the last 6-7 years and staying here that much longer will put me at 10. That's a long fucking time to not be able to live my own life where I want to live if. I suppose that's part of being married but there comes a point where I have to take control over my life and my happiness. No one else is going to step up to the job.

All of that means that I have to really hone in on what I want to pursue professionally in order to be able to stand on my own two feet if it ever comes to that. It may also come to the point where he has to take a pay cut in order to get us the fuck out of here and in order for us to continue our standard of living I'll have to either really vamp up whatever endeavour I'm into at the moment or workout outside the house at God-only-knows-what. I don't consider working at the restaurant working outside the house because that money is used to buy the expensive things I want that would take longer to save for (because I'm anti-credit). I just bought a $4k Pottery Barn living room set that will be here in 2 weeks or so. This is courtesy of my restaurant work and my tech editing work. I just made a deposit in the bank that will cover our half bath remodel including a $500 vanity, new paint, new fixtures (faucet, light, etc). That used to be so far down on the list it was almost not even on the list. Now it's just a matter of finding the time and energy to do it.

Now it is so tempting to save this money for less practical yet more fun things like traveling. I have my eye on Costa Rica. It's going to be at least $3k for the week but the photography aspect of it has me salivating. But on the other hand, when I come up with that money, that will be a nice chunk towards remodeling our destroyed finished basement, depending on the type of flooring. Carpet will run $1000-$1500 and hardwoods would start at $2k because I absolutely refuse to have laminate "hardwoods" anywhere in my home so this is the real stuff. We'll hire someone to fix the drywall and I have no clue what that will run us. Not only that but I have lofty plans to knock out a wall and combine 2 smaller rooms so that will need to be finished by said drywall person. Throw in some painting and we have a nice chunka-change. So it's a practical use of money vs. hedonistic. Given my miserable state, you know which one I'm craving.

So I don't know where this road paved with miserableness is going to take me. As typical of MN roads, it's got a fuckload of potholes. I guess I just have to keep chugging along and hope it doesn't fuck up my car.

A Separate Peace

I've started this post a number of times over the last month or so but I never felt my discussion of it was right...complete...enough.

So I'm going to try again. I think I'll get it right this time.

I figured out that it's not about telling the story as it happened.  It's more about what came out of it and where it's gone since then. I realized that this whole time I was processing it and only now was I ready to go on record.

When I was back in NY I met up with that person from my past. You know the one. They were the one that quite a few angry/sad/reminiscent posts have been written about. They were the who had haunted my dreams on a number of occasions, much to my despair. They were the one that I couldn't seem to escape no matter what I did...the one I hadn't spoken to or seen in a couple of years, yet was still a huge part of a very influential unresolved situation in my life. 

I had come to peace with it, though. I had come to terms with the fact that a friendship could never and should never be between us. I struggled with that idea for so long. So painfully long. I mourned. I fought it. I denied it. I said that I went through all of the steps of the grieving process while saying goodbye to that friendship. But then there was that one day where I happened upon an old journal from high school. I read it cover to cover and it was that exact moment that everything, the darkness, the pain, completely lifted. I wrote about it on here. It was THE eureka moment. Everything made sense at that point. It was what I needed in order to accept the way things had to be, how they've always been and how our futures were already decided for us. I was overcome with such a sense of peace. It was almost tangible.  I no longer felt anger. I no longer felt sad. I no longer longed for the past and the "what ifs..." It is what it is. It was what it was. 

So why did the meeting take place, you ask? I dunno. One day, a few weeks prior, I was sitting at my desk and these words came to mind...I heard them and saw them like a scrolling marquee in my mind's eye: "Email XXX and ask her to lunch." While the fact that was completely out of the blue wasn't lost on me, the fact that I didn't hesitate for a second is what I found the most interesting. I had let go of all that. I didn't think of it...of her anymore. There was nothing left. That area of my life and heart had been packed away and filed under, "dealt with."  I was sure I didn't need it. I wondered what good...or bad...could come from it. I knew that I was told to do it from a power higher than myself and I've learned to listen and act on what I'm told because these events take me into the direction I'm supposed to go.

It was like someone took over me. I wrote the email in seconds. The whole "event", from getting the message to composing the email took less than 3 minutes. The only hangup I had was that I did not remember her email address. It was returned to me the first time then I thought of a new one and told myself that if it didn't go through that time then that's that. It went through. Here's the email:

"I'm going to be in town around the holidays. How about lunch...just you and me? No animosity. No drama. Just lunch."

She later told me that she hesitated and was like "what the fuck?" for an hour before responding. She said the thing that basically made her decision was the "no drama" part. That doesn't surprise me because I know that's the piece of this very complicated problem that I always brought to the table.

I didn't have any expectations. Hell, I didn't even know why I was there. I didn't want to rekindle a friendship. We were (are) so bad and toxic for each other. That's painfully obvious. I know this. I've accepted this. I tried not to speculate on what she thought (or feared ha!) would happen. I just went. And so did she.

We talked for a couple of hours. I told her I had no intention of rehashing anything and I didn't want anything from her. I wasn't going to ask anything of her. I told her I didn't hate her or wasn't angry with her, however I had been for a long time. I told her why. Then I told her the situation that led to our estrangement was not a new concept. It has been like that our entire lives...just with different people... and that I know it will never change and that's why things will never be easy for us. And that a relationship that was almost 2 decades old shouldn't be hard. But it is. And it always was and I'm confident it always will be. 

I was overcome with such a sense of peace that I knew this meeting was meant to take place...had to take place. I was talking about no drama and there wasn't any drama. She admitted she was having a hard time believing that (it's me after all) and that's a fair feeling because that's all she's known. But it wasn't an act on my part and I felt no need to convince her of anything...because I didn't want anything from her. See how this all fits together? No? Maybe that's why I had to process everything for a month before sitting down to write this.

I asked her if she had any questions for me and she asked one and I answered and I think it made more sense to her. I kind of had a feeling there were more questions but she didn't want to or know how to ask them. I'm always open to answering any questions she has. I had questions for years and I had to work them out on my own and it was such a painful, long process. But I learned SO MUCH about myself because of the work I did. I learned things that I never would've learned had she not been in my life and had this situation not taken place.

I love her and I want her to be happy. But I no longer hope that some day there will be a place for me in her world. That was the final piece of the puzzle that I had to let go of. It was a separate peace I didn't know I was missing until I got the chance to say goodbye in person.

Please render me unable to ever talk again

So this may come as a HUGE surprise to you but sometimes (okay most of the time) when I drink what little filter I have essentially disintegrates with each drop. Typically not a huge issue because if I do say something cringe-worthy, everyone else is drunk enough to 1) either not notice or 2) not remember. Me, on the other hand, rarely (for reals) gets drunk enough to forget shit. That's both a blessing and a curse.

So my last post was about this new restaurant where I work and where the other workers are kind of rude and standoffish to me and the male bartender seems to HATE me for some unknown reason. I had planned on, at some point, coming right out and asking him what his deal was.  Weelll...I thought about it and had an opportunity or 2 but I didn't. Instead I gave him a hard time re: a margarita situation from before. I was sarcastic and sickeningly sweet and I actually got a smirk. Actually I'm not sure he knew what to make of me.

ANYWHO. Fast forward to the end of the night. Something had happened with my last customers that upset me. Basically they blamed me for something I didn't do. I felt really badly so I asked the "other new girl" if she wanted to have a drink and she said her friends were stopping by and I could join them. So I did. And another "old, existing" employee with HER friend had been there for a few hours drinking as well. So we all got to chatting... I was only going to have ONE drink but then new girl had another so did I. I was only part way through that when she and her friends had to go. So I was there with old girl (I'll call her Cathy) and her friend. I started talking to them and somehow mentioned that Tom the bartender (Is that what I dubbed him in the last post?) seemed to hate me because he was essentially always a jackass to me.  She laughed and said he was that way with all the new girls and then called him over and told him I said that. He seemed genuinely surprised but that conversation essentially broke the ice with him. The chill subsided and I was SO RELIEVED! To the point where Cathy and her friend went out to have a smoke and Tom actually came over to me and was making small talk. I was like FINALLY!

Fast forward to 2 shots and 3 more captain and cokes for a grand total of 5. Cathy mentioned Tom's WIFE coming in earlier with their daughter. I had met the daughter and she's a cutie pie but I just caught a glimpse of his WIFE and, no joke, I thought it was his MOTHER. Now I don't remember now what she looked like other than she had white blond hair in kind of a 50-ish year old, layered bob. Kind of the hair that elegant, rich older woman have. But from what I remember, she did NOT look like the wife of a 36-year old man. She looked to be in her late 40s, early 50s.  No I didn't do the math of "if he's 36, she's got to be at least 55 or 56 and does she look that?" So anyway...Cathy mentioned his wife coming in with Sarah and I blurted out, "he's married?! That was his wife?! I thought THAT WAS HIS MOTHER." Yes. I did. No, really I did.  Open mouth, insert fucking punch in my mouth.

Now I don't know if he heard this conversation, and I wouldn't have been surprised if he did, but regardless, he will have found out about it. No matter how nice Cathy is, her loyalties are with Tom, and that's not surprising. She doesn't know me. However, this interaction took place a little while after she said that "out of the entire round of new hires, I am (you are) the only one that I have not heard one person say a bad thing about." Nice. Now I deserve a fucking pat on the back after my little performance this is SURE to re-piss Tom off. For reals this time.

Buuuttt...just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

During the "that was his wife" conversation Cathy mentioned something about the wife being a hair dresser and I have NO CLUE how this word/subject came up at that point or immediately thereafter, but a discussion of someone's "rack" was taking place.  So in my alcohol-slowed brain, I'm still kind of in the "omg he's married and his wife came in, I thought it was his mother and she's a hairdresser" mindset when I said "wow...Sarah has it made when she gets older!" During the "rack" conversation they were having, mind you. I had inadvertently made that comment about a 2-year old, to which Cathy replied, "I don't think Tom wants to think about his 2-year old having a "rack." OMFG. This is a true story. I was like, "no! omg I mean having a mother as a hair dresser! I have a friend who does and she always had the most beautiful hair growing up!" Buuutttt...the damage was done, I suppose. I don't remember at what point this conversation took place and I don't know how long I was there after but I definitely felt like the pedophile, inappropriate creepy new girl at this point. All because my timing was horrible, I wasn't paying full attention to the conversation around me, my communication skills were seriously lacking and my filter could've used a few patches at this point.

Everyone was very nice until I left but of course, with my way over-reactive brain working for the last 2 days, I'm dreading going into work. Again. For a completely different reason. I feel like I went from FINALLY being accepted (to a certain degree, at least) to being the new girl who had too much to drink, acts like a fucking creepy retard and shouldn't be allowed to drink with them ever again. Not that I'm going to. God only knows what'll come out of my mouth then.

I'm totally paranoid that the entire staff has heard of my terrible faux pas. I was supposed to work tonight and was kind of looking forward to it to gauge the damage however the other new girl said she'd take my shift (I had asked her early Wed and she said she couldn't at that time but texted me a little while ago.) I could really use the time to pack and get ready for NY but I struggled with the desire to get this "first meeting after THAT night" over with and deal with any repercussions there may be. J thinks I'm completely overreacting and paranoid and blowing things out of proportion in my head and way over thinking things. GOD I HOPE SO! I haven't been able to think anything else since then.

I just have to keep this in mind: the damage (if any) is already done. I had probably been talked about, maybe even in a negative light, but there's nothing I can do to control what people say and think about me. I made a mistake drinking too much around them in my attempt to "fit in" and it may have very backfired on me. Which is something I have to deal with, unfortunately. We'll see tomorrow night. I work with both Cathy and Tom so...

High school Revisited

About a month ago I started a new part-time job at a local restaurant/bar. When I say local I mean 3 miles from the house. I did this because I have to get out of the house more. I have to meet people. I have probably written about that many a time on here.  I've worked out of the house for 4 years now. While I love it, I've lived in this state for almost 2 1/2 years and I have made very few friends...none really. Except that gay couple whom I'm convinced is using me to get to Jeff. But that may not be true after all, but that's a different post.

So I got this job about a month ago. I work, on average, 2 nights a week. This week I work 3 (Wed, Fri, Sat) hopefully only because I'm taking 3 weeks off to head back to NY for the holidays in 5 days. If I come back and she's scheduling me 3 nights still I'm going to have to put a stop to that because these aren't the 4-5 hour shifts that I thought I was getting into based on my experience as a server in NY a few years ago. Okay...like 5 years ago at a chain restaurant. I wasn't expecting nor was I prepared for 7-10 hour shifts...each night. That's a lot of fucking running around! While the hourly rate is about double what I was getting in NY, the tips suck (they're all farmers and families around here) so I'm essentially working for about $15-$17 an hour. My hourly writing rate is at least 4x that. So no, I'm obviously not doing this for the money. It's nice to have a few extra bucks in my pocket to splurge on things I want but don't necessarily need (except my $150 boots...I REALLY needed those ;-) ).  Anyway...the bottom line is I did this to get out of the house and meet people. But now I'm seriously rethinking this decision.

First of all, this is like a true part-time job. Like 20 hours a week. I don't WANT a part-job.  Between my "regular" work and school, I never see J and S as it is. Having to spend 2-3 nights a week away from them on top of that makes me even more miserable.

Secondly, the people I work with are kind of shitty. Most of them are younger than me (early to mid-20s) so they're in that catty, bitchy stage in their lives. Plus we're in MN, the king of passive-aggressiveness and cold, detached behavior. People talk about "Minnesota Nice" but it's actually "Minnesota Ice" because people here are pretty shitty. They're nice to your face but will stab you in the back at their first chance. I'm not just talking about at the restaurant. I'm talking in general in this state. At least in NY you know where you stand with people.

So my coworkers are young and they all know each other having worked together for at least a few years. All of the front of the house staff are women...except for one of the bartenders. I'll call him Tim and he's about 36.

He's a pretty good-looking guy. Not hot, not ugly. He's about my height (5'9'') with an average build.  The first night I worked there he didn't go out of his way to talk to me but at one point he did introduce himself. I'm ALWAYS polite, mind you. I always say please and thank you to anyone who helps me...especially the bartenders. Either later that night or the next time I worked I was waiting for a couple of drinks and he said, "so...are you married?" (side note: I didn't wear my wedding rings at first because c'mon. A blue-collar bar filled with youngish construction workers? Yaaa.) The first thing I thought was "oh fuck." Now here's why I thought that:

About a year ago J and I went to that place to have a few drinks with our realtor and he served us. I remember it was him because 1) I thought he was cute 2) he's worked there for 5 years as the only male bartender and 3) he kept staring at me. I distinctly remember catching him staring at me on more than one occasion. I got up to go to the bathroom which is behind the bar and I saw him watching me the entire way. Okay. So I don't mean to presume anything but that makes me think he found/finds me attractive. Is that a far jump?

So back to the "are you married?" question. I kind of knew that was a loaded question. I worked in a restaurant before and I know how charged the atmosphere is for some God-only-knows-reason.  And I'll even go so far as to admit that I hooked up with 3 of the guys I worked with at that other restaurant. So yes...it's a pretty sexually-charged environment. What he asked was different from what what I heard. What I heard was, "are you available for me to flirt with and maybe at some point hook up with in the future?" Okay so maybe  not that last part but definitely the first part. 

Of course I had to be honest. He nodded his head and walked away. fuck fuck fuck. What's the problem with that, you ask? Again, I know how the restaurant thing goes. A harmless flirtation with the bartender "stud" goes a long way when you're trying to fit in with the group, as I obviously am because I'm the new girl. Not to mention the 10-years-older new girl. Would I act on it? Of course not. But that's not the point.

Ever since then (last 3 weeks), he's been super DUPER cold to me, snippy, and even rude at times. To the extent where it really makes me dread going to work.  NO ONE talks to me. I try to talk to them and they're slightly polite but no one starts conversations with me. It's to the point where if the restaurant is really dead I walk around and find piddly shit to do like fill salt shakers because I can't stand just standing there while everyone is talking and no one includes me. It's like fucking high school all over again.

It has bothered me for a while then I thought, "well maybe he's just a grumpy person to everyone" and that made me feel better. Except last Saturday when he was friendly and joking with everyone else. He even (and this was the last straw) interrupted a conversation I was having with the "other" new girl who has been there a month longer than me, just to tell her that they need to induct her into the "restaurant's drinking and hanging out club." While I was standing there...off to the side with her. HE INTERRUPTED OUR CONVERSATION to call that out to her. Now that was just rude and downright spiteful. My throat actually got a little tight with that one because it was so obviously mean. It was then that I got pissed. REALLY pissed. I vowed to give it right back to him. I stopped acknowledging him in every way, shape, and form. I stopped saying thank you, I stopped asking him for assistance if I need a bartender to ring a coupon or whatever. I will go out of my way to avoid any and all interaction with him at all costs. It shouldn't be like that.

The kicker? I have NO FUCKING CLUE why he's acting this way towards me. I didn't do anything to him. I've wracked my brain and all I can think of is that he got annoyed with me for asking too many questions when I was learning things or making mistakes or not knowing everything I had to do when I closed with him. That's normal stuff that happens when a person is doing something for the first time. It's not like I've worked there for 6 months and am still ringing in wrong drinks. I've never said anything bad about him, never talked about him to someone else, I've never been anything but polite and I always work my ass off. I am at a complete loss because I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong.

So last week I figured I'd pour a little salt in what may have been a wound. I wore my wedding rings. Not only did I wear them, I cleaned them so they were literally casting light on the bar because of the lights. If the light hit them the right way, you would get a stream of light in your eye. BAHAHAHA! I also wore my diamond eternity band on that finder as well so I had 3 diamond rings stacked on top of each other. Oh and I made sure I picked up every drink with my left hand. There was some serious bling going on and I made sure it didn't go unnoticed. Like if we were at the facing computers I would be like "hmm..." and touch my left hand to my face to brush hair away or something. 

I don't want it to be like this. It shouldn't be like this. This makes me really uncomfortable. That's why I'm going to put an end to it and confront him about things the next time I see him. He may be working tonight so if that's the case, if he's being cold, I'm going to ask him if I did something to offend him because I'm picking up on an attitude. I'll see what he says then. And if I get an "oh no, nothing is wrong." I'm going to use a trick out of their book and say something like, "okay good. I'm sure you're mature enough not to pull any passive-aggressive bullshit if you have a problem with me, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm open to you being honest with me since we don't know eachother all that well."

<sigh>

I've talked to J about this and he seems to think they're all bitter because I'm not a "lifer" and this is not my "real job" and that I'm just doing it to get out of the house. He thinks that me driving an Infiniti, owning my own business and being a grad student makes them assume I'm stuck-up and think I'm better than them. But the kicker? I WASN'T like that until I've gotten this negative reception. It's just showing me that I really AM better than them.

The moral of the story is that I don't know how long I'll last here because the last thing I need is to dread working every time and have my stomach in knots because people are being catty, rude little cunts to me for no reason.

Half and half

Sometimes I fucking hate my fucking dreams. And I fucking hate that you dream things for a reason...even if you're not even sure what that reason was.

A couple of weeks ago I had a nightmare. I'm pretty sure that it's because, after 6 months of meeting on a weekly basis, my therapist finally said something along the lines of, "what about we talk about the attack? We haven't really delved into that and how it relates to some things you're dealing with now." Okay. No problem. After 10 years I can talk about it as if I'm talking about a dinner party I went to the other night. I'm not the type to "re-live" it and I never was. I don't even think I had nightmares right after the fact. I went through the events of that night...the aftermath...and my behavior in the 4 or 5 years after. No proble. No tears. No fear.

A few nights later I had a dream I was in college and on campus. I was going door to door in an apartment complex with 2 other girls. We were on the "campus entertainment board" or something like that. We were asking people what they wanted for entertainment on campus. We knocked on one door and it was answered by the person that has haunted my dreams before...the ones I've written about here. This time it was different. I felt such animosity from them and their significant other who was standing a little ways behind them. They didn't even LOOK at me, yet they knew I was there. I was being ignored and I could feel the hatred. It was at this point that I excused myself and told my friends I'd wait around the corner for them. No sooner that I went around the corner than 3 guys approached me from the front and both sides and grabbed me and started dragging me across campus, all the while trying to get my pants down. I was screaming my head off...even thinking at one point, "I'm not supposed to scream help, I'm supposed to scream "fire" in order to get people's attention." That didn't work either. In fact, my friends and that person knew what was going on and ignored it. Before anything happened, however, I was (literally) scooped up by that big, teddy bear-like black guy in The Green Mile. No joke. I don't even know his name and I've never seen a movie that he was in other than that one yet here he was...my rescuer...while those others ignored my pleas for help.

So my therapist had a field day with that one. She said we stirred up memories of the attack, hence the violent events that happened but she also equated that person's reaction to me with the way I'm essentially acting towards them...you don't exist, I don't care about you, etc. Interesting. This was the first time I had dreamt of them in at least a few months. I had been relieved because I thought the dreams were over. For good.

Fast forward to 2 nights ago. I dreamt of them AGAIN. (I know, right?!) This one was very interesting though. In it this person wrote me a note apologizing for everything that had gone down and that they wanted to make it right between us. They gave it to me, stood there while I read it, and I actually felt really good around them. Cared about, even. Holy 180 from the last one! I read the note and said okay...I'd like that...and they asked to go for a walk. We started walking but then we came upon some people camping out, blocking the pathway that we were walking on. At some point one of the campers started talking to this person and they got distracted and the walk was delayed...or it ended maybe...then I woke up.

I can certainly surmise where the walk/campers/delayed and/or ended walking part of it. But the note and behavior displayed by this other person is what confuses me because it's not in their nature to do something like this...to make initial contact and apologize. Or at least be the first to apologize.

So two different dreams...two extremes...two ends of the spectrum...yin and yang...light and dark. Half and half.