In Her Write Mind

I Survived Because...

So last week around around this time I was searching the A&E website for the latest episode of Breakout Kings (because I love that shit) and saw a link that said, "Click here to submit your story of survival to I Survived." Hm. I had thought about doing it before because I am a fan of the show but I was always like, "these people get shot in the head like 5 times and get their toes cut off one by one with a rusty hatchet and live to tell it, there's no way they'd be interested in my story." But I got one of my feelings (and ya'll know I've learned not to ignore them) and submitted my story as briefly as possible as per their instructions. I know you're amazed that I was able to tell ANY story briefly, let alone one that is so convoluted as that one. But I did. And two days later someone from the show called me. Ka-crazy.

So tomorrow morning I have a phone "interview" with a researcher for the show. She will take notes on the "sitch" and give them to the show's producers who will decide if my story fits the bill. I can't really tell you if I'm optimistic or not, actually. Cautiously optimistic because I think that would be totally cool but hesitant because the last time I told my story in front a large number of people (not anonymously) was the trial.  If you're familiar with the show you know they don't give last names but still...chances are I'll be recognized by more than a few people. It happened almost 11 years ago and I'm not ashamed of what happened and I had considered "going public" in one form or another at some point but I thought it might be more like in the form of a book or some shiznit like that.

I'm not even going to tell my family that I submitted or that I got called for the initial interview however I think I'd better tell them if I get selected for a taping. I think that would be one phone call from K-Squared that I wouldn't want to pick up late one Saturday night. "Uh ello? Heyyyyy Mom. Ummhmm. I think I may have seen the latest episode. Oh! THAT episode. Well ya...they flew me to DC 5 months ago and had me tell the story of my kidnapping and sexual assault in front of 3 or 4 TV cameras..no biggie. I didn't mention that? Oh. My bad! Sheesh. Sorry about that! So...how's Dad?"

Fade to black...

All She Keeps Inside Isn't On the Label

So that person asked me what conclusion(s) I came to while in Costa Rica. I don't know if it's because they read this journal or if it was just a coincidence. I don't care either way. It was nice (not to mention surprising) to open up that kind of dialogue with them. That is something I never thought would happen for a number of reasons. One being I didn't think they had it in them. I always pegged them as being unemotional or at least emotionally distant. I always categorized myself as the bleeding heart in the relationship...the one who always wore my heart on my sleeve. But there were times when I thought maybe they felt something. Maybe they were at least somewhat affected by what went down. There's a back story to why this conversation took place but I won't get into it. Basically we were just having a very candid, refreshing conversation via email. 

So they said there was a song that reminded them of me. Of course they know better than to say shit like that and expect me to be all like, 'that's awesome!' and leave it like that! I'm the fucking lyrics queen. Nice try! I told them that and they offered an explanation. So I offered up my own song, which I think is pretty self-explanatory (Shimmer by Fuel). "All that she keeps inside, isn't on the label." C'mon now. Hello!?

That's when the question came up...what did you realize in CR? I warned them it was a can of worms but went into it anyway. And I did it at 2:30am. There's an innocrny reason behind that time, however. I got up to go to the bathroom...checked my phone to see the time...saw I had an email and...well...felt the need to answer. At that moment. Because it was something that couldn't wait 4 hours even though it has waited...oh...20 years? Another reason why I wrote it then and am glad I did was because in my sleepy state my filter was even more disabled. And that was a good thing.

You know those letters that get written yet never sent? I basically sent that one. Notice I said that one. Of course there are others...I'm just not ready to send those yet. This new "thing" going down is too fragile. My feelings on it...my thoughts...they're all too fragile. It's something from the more recent past and I think it can wait. I do think it needs to be addressed someday. But not now. I'm not avoiding the subject, per se. Well maybe I am. But it's not like it's some super pressing issue that I HAVE to get off my chest RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN. Basically I just have a few questions. But again it can wait. Maybe for another 2:30am reply to one of their emails.

Because I know there will be more. And that's a good thing.